...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
