I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Someone came in the potted fern
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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