Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
