You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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