You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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