Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
