Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
