I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
