Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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