Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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