I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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