I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
