hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
