just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
