Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
