Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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