worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize