it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
