Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
