Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
