I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
