I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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