Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
