We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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