And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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