You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize