What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
