You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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