Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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