Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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