I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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