hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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