I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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