i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
