Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize