He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
