a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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