I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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