glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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