Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
