I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
