i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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