Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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