covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
