dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
