Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize