gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
