I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
