a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
