I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
