My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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