THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
