Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
