remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
