we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
