And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
