I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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