this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize