weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
