one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
