she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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